Sunday, October 10, 2010
Dealing with the green-eyed monster
Since April, I've lost a lot of weight. I went to the doctor on April 7 and weighed a lot. I am 5'2" and was about as wide as I am tall. I had been in denial, not getting on the scales. My bra was too tight, my waist bands were killing me. My boobs were huge and whenever I would see a photo of myself, I was all boobs. I hated having my picture taken, face shot or otherwise. My face was as big as the moon. When I shopped, it came down to "what fit," not how it looked or the price or any other factor. Just if it fit me or not. For the first time in my life, there were some 1X sizes n my closet. I was thin for a lot of my life, then when I got really happy, I got fat. I am a happy eater. In 2001, I was at goal with Weight Watchers. (128 lbs) They hand-picked me to teach for them. I taught for about a year and then my weight started creeping back up. As I put it, "coming back on," as if I had nothing to do with it. I gained back all of the 47 pounds I had lost and more.
So, on April 8, I started a self-imposed diet of no sugar and no flour. My Dad is a type2 diabetic and it had been a long-standing fear of mine that I might go to the doctor one day and be told that I was a diabetic and could no longer consume sugar. I decided it would be easier to administer a no sugar edict to myself rather than having it imposed upon me by my physician. Between April and July, I lost twenty-some pounds. Then on July 11 I started a private program here in Bloomington called Meltdown Boot Camp at Next Generation, PT. In the following eight weeks of boot camp, I stuck to a very strict low carb diet. I wasn't consuming sugar, sodium, flour or dairy. No beer, wine or margaritas. Basically protein and vegetables. It was tough. Combined with some of the toughest work-outs I've ever done in my life. In that eight weeks, I lost another twenty-some pounds for a combined total of 45 pounds. 45 pounds from April to August. That is a lot of hard work and discipline. They don't call it boot camp for nothin.'
Needless to say, I look different. I feel different. Everything is easier from turning over in bed to getting in and out of the car. It is easier to shave my legs and paint my toenails. I joke about the "draw-backs" of being skinny- I didn't have to lose much before my tail-bone started to hurt. I have a "waddle" of skin at my neck. I could benefit from a face-lift. The skin near my arm-pits isn't as firm as I would like and I refer to that area as my "bat wings." A friend suggested I could be a flying squirrel. (I hadn't thought of that.) I am cold almost all the time. BUT, I feel fabulous. My stride is quick and determined. Confident.
It has been very difficult to wrap my head around the psychology of being thin, again. I am getting there, but it has been a struggle. I know. "wah, wah, poor Cheryl."
When I shop, I still find myself drawn to the large and XL section. I went into a store in Noblesville the other day that has a women's sizes side and a misses sizes side. The plus sizes are on the left side of the store and the smaller sizes are on the right side of the store. I turned to the left and stood there. Then I turned around and went to the right side of the store, feeling as if I were wandering into a foreign land. I talked to the salesperson who assisted me about my struggle. She told me that she could relate because eight years earlier she was wearing a 22/24. I asked her how she lost her weight and she told me she had surgery. I would have never known.
Even when I order on-line, it is automatic to click on large or XL. I can't tell you the things I've had to return because it is too big. I've been told to quit whining. I'm not, by nature, a whiner. (And I despise whiners.) So, I said "o.k., you are right, no whining."
I don't understand jealousy. Even at my heaviest, I have been happy for others. I have complimented others. Sincerely complimented others. I compliment strangers. Life is shitty enough that we don't need to be hateful to one another. There are a ton of scriptures on jealousy and envy. I tend to believe those scriptures are there for a reason. Because hate, jealousy, envy will eat you up from the inside-out.
Someone said in a meeting that she hates it when people brag on facebook. The first thought that came to my mind is "maybe they aren't bragging...maybe they are celebrating." I'm certain I've posted things on my wall that some might consider to be bragging. My intent is "c'mon and join me in my happiness!"
I think it is sad that people aren't confident enough to be o.k. with themselves enough to be happy for others. I guess I am just ego-centric enough not to think about it being about others. I write for myself. I produce art for myself. I work on self-improvement for ME. And if you want to do the same, I am going to be happy for you and compliment you and celebrate right along with you. I know it is easier said than done, but when I am unhappy, I ask myself why and try to remedy the situation. This has been a year of facing down monsters in my life. Green-eyed and otherwise.
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