Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dealing with the green-eyed monster

October is the month that is customarily associated with "scary" things and the scariest thing I've been dealing with as of late is jealousy. 
Since April, I've lost a lot of weight.  I went to the doctor on April 7 and weighed a lot.  I am 5'2" and was about as wide as I am tall.  I had been in denial, not getting on the scales.  My bra was too tight, my waist bands were killing me. My boobs were huge and whenever I would see a photo of myself, I was all boobs.  I hated having my picture taken, face shot or otherwise.  My face was as big as the moon.  When I shopped, it came down to "what fit," not how it looked or the price or any other factor.  Just if it fit me or not.  For the first time in my life, there were some 1X sizes n my closet.  I was thin for a lot of my life, then when I got really happy, I got fat.  I am a happy eater.  In 2001, I was at goal with Weight Watchers.  (128 lbs) They hand-picked me to teach for them.  I taught for about  a year and then my weight started creeping back up.  As I put it, "coming back on," as if I had nothing to do with it.  I gained back all of the 47 pounds I had lost and more. 
So, on April 8, I started a self-imposed diet of no sugar and no flour.  My Dad is a type2 diabetic and it had been a long-standing fear of mine that I might go to the doctor one day and be told that I was a diabetic and could no longer consume sugar.  I decided it would be easier to administer a no sugar edict to myself rather than having it imposed upon me by my physician.  Between April and July, I lost twenty-some pounds.  Then on July 11 I started a private program here in Bloomington called Meltdown Boot Camp at Next Generation, PT.  In the following eight weeks of boot camp, I stuck to a very strict low carb diet.  I wasn't consuming sugar, sodium, flour or dairy. No beer, wine or margaritas.  Basically protein and vegetables.  It was tough.  Combined with some of the toughest work-outs I've ever done in my life.  In that eight weeks, I lost another twenty-some pounds for a combined total of 45 pounds.  45 pounds from April to August.  That is a lot of hard work and discipline.  They don't call it boot camp for nothin.'
Needless to say, I look different.  I feel different.  Everything is easier from turning over in bed to getting in and out of the car.  It is easier to shave my legs and paint my toenails.  I joke about the "draw-backs" of being skinny- I didn't have to lose much before my tail-bone started to hurt.  I have a "waddle" of skin at my neck.  I could benefit from a face-lift.  The skin near my arm-pits isn't as firm as I would like and I refer to that area as my "bat wings."  A friend suggested I could be a flying squirrel.  (I hadn't thought of that.)  I am cold almost all the time.  BUT, I feel fabulous.  My stride is quick and determined.  Confident. 
It has been very difficult to wrap my head around the psychology of being thin, again. I am getting there, but it has been a struggle. I know.  "wah, wah, poor Cheryl."
When I shop, I still find myself drawn to the large and XL section.  I went into a store in Noblesville the other day that has a women's sizes side and a misses sizes side.  The plus sizes are on the left side of the store and the smaller sizes are on the right side of the store.  I turned to the left and stood there.  Then I turned around and went to the right side of the store, feeling as if I were wandering into a foreign land.  I talked to the salesperson who assisted me about my struggle.  She told me that she could relate because eight years earlier she was wearing a 22/24.  I asked her how she lost her weight and she told me she had surgery.  I would have never known.
Even when I order on-line, it is automatic to click on large or XL.  I can't tell you the things I've had to return because it is too big.  I've been told to quit whining.  I'm not, by nature, a whiner. (And I despise whiners.)  So, I said "o.k., you are right, no whining."
I don't understand jealousy.  Even at my heaviest, I have been happy for others.  I have complimented others. Sincerely complimented others. I compliment strangers.  Life is shitty enough that we don't need to be hateful to one another.  There are a ton of scriptures on jealousy and envy.  I tend to believe those scriptures are there for a reason.  Because hate, jealousy, envy will eat you up from the inside-out. 
Someone said in a meeting that she hates it when people brag on facebook.  The first thought that came to my mind is "maybe they aren't bragging...maybe they are celebrating."  I'm certain I've posted things on my wall that some might consider to be bragging.  My intent is "c'mon and join me in my happiness!"
I think it is sad that people aren't confident enough to be o.k. with themselves enough to be happy for others.  I guess I am just ego-centric enough not to think about it being about others.  I write for myself.  I produce art for myself.  I work on self-improvement for ME.  And if you want to do the same, I am going to be happy for you and compliment you and celebrate right along with you.  I know it is easier said than done, but when I am unhappy, I ask myself why and try to remedy the situation.  This has been a year of facing down monsters in my life.  Green-eyed and otherwise.


ClassyChassy said...

Congrats, and so happy your hard work paid off! People DO get jealous - that is to be expected, more so than someone being happy for you. Don't look for jealousy in people, ignore it and treat them the same as you always have, and things should level off.

Cheryl said...

Self-loathing is a pretty tough issue to cope with. Most folks who are angry and jealous seem to hate themselves first.

You're such a refreshing voice of reason. I love that you've lost the weight in a healthy way for yourself. I love that you celebrate your victories. We have 24 hours at a time. That's it. Nothing is guaranteed. Living wide open is something I've been working on for quite some time. Slow and steady.

Great post, Cheryl. Great reminders too.

^..^Corgidogmama said...

What a terrific post. You explained your feelings perfectly!
People will always want "something" that someone else has, or has achieved. That's just mean ol' human nature, thorns and all. Congrats to you on your fortitude on doing this one great thing...for you! And, I'm jealous as hell, but you've motivated me to get off my duff and get strong physically and mentally again. I've lose 25 since Jan.1, but haven't made any new progress eventho I have many pounds to go.
When you lose, you so many other areas...and confidence is the biggie!! Tomorrow, girlfriend, I'm back on the wagon, thanks to reading today's post here. Hugs and kudos to you for motivating me. I was 59 yesterday, and this year...I'm going to work on ME as the big project for the year!

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

I, for one, am very happy for you. I know lots are. You just have to stop listening to the negative people.


Pam said...

Congratulations!!!! Great post! It's amazing with the things you find that are so much easier now. You have been good to yourself and have proved that perseverance pays off!

Angela said...

Congratulations Cheryl! I think it is wonderful that you lost that much weight in such a short period of time. It took lots of hard work on your part. There are people who will be jealous of you no matter what.

Have a Great Day!

Joan said...

I'm inspired by you! My RA keeps me from doing anything like boot-camp, but I'm getting well acquainted with my new treadmill.

farmlady said...

Well, I'm here to say Congratulations.
I appreciate your honesty. I have experienced what happens when you express your joy about losing weight or anything for that matter. When you are so pleased with yourself and want to talk about the effort that you made, there will always be someone who will not be happy for you. Just remember that their reaction says more about them than it does about you.
Just keep smiling and being happy. You deserve it. Losing weight is hard and you made the effort with wonderful results.
Ignore the green eyed monsters and GO SHOPPING....

Chatty Crone said...

I am jealous, but in a very sweet way. SOme day I hope to get the determination you got - that is what it takes. I've seen it a lot.

CONGRATS and GOOD FOR YOU! I bet you look great.

I think you did a fabulous job and I'm extremely proud of you.

Take a before and after picture.

Love and congrats - don't let anyone take it from you.


Sandy, Sisters of Season said...

Hi Cheryl, You look wonderful . . a big congrats to you kiddo! Shopping is so much more fun. Actually, when someone is jealous of you . . it really a compliment. You have something that they so want . . pray for them. I haven't heard from you in awhile, miss those funny comments. lots of happy, Sandy:O)

Together We Save said...

Wow - losing weight is really hard work...congrats to you!

Spring's island art and life said...

WOW! What an amazing story!!! That you made it to your goal all of your own will and strength Thats Fantasitc!
Wonderful inspiration!

Mary Jo said...

You rock, Cheryl!

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