Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter

me and my son- Easter 1990
The above photo was taken the first Easter after I got divorced.  We were living in an awful place and moved a short time later to a little house where we my children grew up.  This has always been one of my favorite photos of my son and I.  I was so skinny after the divorce and he was so cute in his sailor suit.  I'm sure it is just he and I because my daughter took this of us. 
I'm listening to Sandi Patti right now, a CD that I have listened to on Easter Sunday through the years.  I'm remembering Easters past when I sang The Holy City at sunrise service.  Of bustling into a church that was filled to the brim with women in hats and babies in bonnets and new clothes.  Of lifting my voice in song to "Up From the Grave He Arose."   I'm remembering shopping for Easter outfits.  There were many years that part of my tax return was set aside for Easter outfits for myself and my two children.  I'm remembering little hands clutching plastic eggs triumphantly.  I'm remembering a kitchen warm with the aroma of ham and rolls.   
Now those children are grown and flung across the country.  Doug's two local sons and wife/future wife were here for dinner last Sunday evening.  I have a tenderloin thawed for our dinner.  This is why grandparents move to be closer to their children and grandchildren. 
Yesterday I skyped with my daughter and granddaughter.  I said "come to Grandma" and the little Bee held her arms out to me.  I cried.  This is the cruelty of skype.  You can see and hear, but not feel or touch or take them in your arms and smell the sweetness of them.  Little Bee smiled so hard it almost seemed her face would burst.  She clapped and danced and charmed me via the screen.
I'm thinking of a brother sitting in a jail cell- perhaps visited by my parents. 
I'm thinking of a time when security meant more than a bank balance. 
It is a beautiful sunny day but I feel weepy and blue.  I am blessed in many ways but this  is how my heart feels today. I admire others who are able to share both the good and the bad.  Sharing the bad doesn't come so easily for me.  I joke that this blog is the life I wish I lived, all sunny and positive twenty-four/seven. Today I am sharing my reality. Life isn't all sunny and positive twenty-four/seven. Usually when I am upset or sad I withdraw from all social media. I am a positive person and that positive attitude has gotten me through life.  I pick myself up and go on.  This is what we do.  Life goes on.  You play the hand that you are dealt.
Holidays have a way of making us miss those who have gone on even more or those that we wish we were with but are not even more.  Holidays are supposed to be all happy and wonderful and sometimes they are not.
I'm going to direct you to my friend Brian's blog.  Love the line "the thrown was not rolled away to be thrown the next day."  Thank you, Brian.

8 comments:

Brian Miller said...

thank you for the link...

hugs...

memories are hard and so are holidays at times because they come with the memories as well...thanks for being real...and i hope the sun finds you a bit today...smiles.

ain't for city gals said...

Reality is not "bad"...it is just reality. I like it when you share the reality...

TARYTERRE said...

Life is what it is. The good with the bad. Don't let one or the other overwhelm you. Or limit you. HAPPY EASTER.

Holly said...

I hide from the cyber world when I'm feeling down too. Love that pic of you!

MamaMonki said...

Sending you hugs and prayers today. I'm sorry this is a rough one for you. I hope you get to hold Bee in your arms soon.

Donna said...

Holidays are generally hard on me. Almost always, for years, it's been just the four of us on Easter and I have ached so for the loved ones gone, for extended family, good times and holidays that felt festive and not like just another day. Ached for feeling that time FLIES and I want to stop and get off and share special moments. Now that the boys are 25 and 21, times are really changing. It will likely never again be the four of us. So where will Brian and I fit in? Felt so grateful today that we were included in one son's fiance's family Easter. Brian was so glad too so that I wouldn't be blue.
When that picture of you and Bradley was taken I had known you several months and only in recent years learned how hard life truly was for you then. Thank you for sharing the reality, the flip side of the good times. We all have both. Of that I am convinced.
The pastor had a line this morning I think I will always remember. He said "Christ didn't go to the cross so that we might have a holiday or make a memory." I will remind myself of that on Easters to come.

Kris said...

That picture is precious! I am so sorry you are blue my friend. Hugs across the miles to you!
XO Kris

Karen said...

Wish I had words of wisdom. I don't share the darker things on my blog much either, as I want it to be a place my kids can come to for memories of the good parts of our life during these times. An honest approach is a way of keeping it real, though... and I think you've done so beautifully.

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