Friday, September 5, 2014

Six months

I woke at 4:30 a.m. this morning. Today is the six month anniversary of my mother's death. Every month when the anniversary rolls around, I have difficulty sleeping. This morning I thought of mother, of sitting next to her hospital bed, holding her hand to my face, wishing I could just die right along with her. I asked God to just let me go - to let me go with her. Little did I know at the time that a part of me did go with her. I know this is true because of the hole that has been left behind.
This morning I thought of mother and life and death and relationships.

My alarm sounded at 6:15 a.m. and I got up and took my Welsh Pembroke Corgi, Chelsea, out for a walk. The air was dank. Rotting wet leaves cover the ground. The sky was the color of pewter with darker clouds mixed in. A rooster from a nearby farm sounded and our rooster seemingly answered.

I've thought of her all day. I sat this evening combing through photographs and although I had her all of these years, I already know there aren't enough photographs. I should have taken more.

I looked at my facebook page and started to write something but when I saw my post from yesterday, Little Bee's first day of Pre-K 3, I decided to leave what was positive and full of life and joyful and not mention the anniversary of mother's death.

I've thought of relationships with others. When you lose someone who is so precious, you realize the stupid stuff just doesn't matter. Life is too precious and short. I don't have time for stupidity - for stupid people and their stupid ideas.

I was fortunate to realize how precious my mother was while I still had her. Others have started to realize this since she has been gone. That is sad.

I feel sick and sad and tired and used up today.


Kris said...

Oh dear girl, I feel your pain. When I lost my dear Dad, I was in such a bad way. It took me about 2 years to pull out of it. Your Mama would want you to soar. You have a lovely family...little Bee, and the new baby! Such exciting times. But I know you are hurting, and missing her so. I am thinking of you....
xo Kris

Holly said...

I wish my arms were long enough to reach you. I lost my Mom (my best friend) many years ago and my Daddy just two years ago. It's just heart wrenching and I am so thinking about you and holding you up in my prayers.

Kim said...

I just had the same anniversary last week. It still hurts. Hugs for you

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

You have a heavy heart. Please try to think your Mom would prefer to see you be in less sorrow and find new joy in your life with her gone. She is near you and if you believe that little clues will come your way that she's right there.
And it's now fall and lots of changes are all around. Seek comfort in the beauty and feel better. Talk to your girls more often. Let go of your pain.

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