Easter

me and my son- Easter 1990

The above photo was taken the first Easter after I got divorced.  We were living in an awful place and moved a short time later to a little house where we my children grew up.  This has always been one of my favorite photos of my son and I.  I was so skinny after the divorce and he was so cute in his sailor suit.  I'm sure it is just he and I because my daughter took this of us. 
I'm listening to Sandi Patti right now, a CD that I have listened to on Easter Sunday through the years.  I'm remembering Easters past when I sang The Holy City at sunrise service.  Of bustling into a church that was filled to the brim with women in hats and babies in bonnets and new clothes.  Of lifting my voice in song to "Up From the Grave He Arose."   I'm remembering shopping for Easter outfits.  There were many years that part of my tax return was set aside for Easter outfits for myself and my two children.  I'm remembering little hands clutching plastic eggs triumphantly.  I'm remembering a kitchen warm with the aroma of ham and rolls.   
Now those children are grown and flung across the country.  Doug's two local sons and wife/future wife were here for dinner last Sunday evening.  I have a tenderloin thawed for our dinner.  This is why grandparents move to be closer to their children and grandchildren. 
Yesterday I skyped with my daughter and granddaughter.  I said "come to Grandma" and the little Bee held her arms out to me.  I cried.  This is the cruelty of skype.  You can see and hear, but not feel or touch or take them in your arms and smell the sweetness of them.  Little Bee smiled so hard it almost seemed her face would burst.  She clapped and danced and charmed me via the screen.
I'm thinking of a brother sitting in a jail cell- perhaps visited by my parents. 
I'm thinking of a time when security meant more than a bank balance. 
It is a beautiful sunny day but I feel weepy and blue.  I am blessed in many ways but this  is how my heart feels today. I admire others who are able to share both the good and the bad.  Sharing the bad doesn't come so easily for me.  I joke that this blog is the life I wish I lived, all sunny and positive twenty-four/seven. Today I am sharing my reality. Life isn't all sunny and positive twenty-four/seven. Usually when I am upset or sad I withdraw from all social media. I am a positive person and that positive attitude has gotten me through life.  I pick myself up and go on.  This is what we do.  Life goes on.  You play the hand that you are dealt.
Holidays have a way of making us miss those who have gone on even more or those that we wish we were with but are not even more.  Holidays are supposed to be all happy and wonderful and sometimes they are not.
I'm going to direct you to my friend Brian's blog.  Love the line "the thrown was not rolled away to be thrown the next day."  Thank you, Brian.