I think I left my heart in Maryland.

Natalie's hand in Grandma's hand

I left for Maryland on Thursday, March 31to meet my first grandchild.  I was supposed to stay until Sunday, April 2.  I felt so sad to be leaving my granddaughter.  On the way to the airport, my daughter said "too bad you won't be here tomorrow- it is supposed to be in the 70's and we could garden."
I arrived at the airport and did a quick check-in and went through security.  Everything was fine and on time.  By the time I walked to my gate, I started hearing people murmuring that our flight was going to be delayed significantly.  I was making a connection in Chicago at 9:45 p.m. and would have arrived in Indianapolis at 11:40 p.m. Suddenly, they bumped our flight to departure time to 9:45 p.m.  I got in line with a lot of other people to speak to an attendant.  The woman wasn't rude, but she nearly came over the counter emphatically saying that there were no flights. It was due to Southwest grounding 79 of their planes for inspection.   They could get me to Chicago, but they would have put me up in a room and I would have waited until Tuesday, April 5 to fly out.  I told them to just give me a flight out from Baltimore on Tuesday morning.  My daughter doesn't live far from BWI.  I called her and said "do you want to garden tomorrow?"  

I had the most wonderful visit.  My daughter and her wife were so kind with regard to Natalie.  My daughter let me bathe her, my daughter would ask what I wanted to dress her in and Grandma held Natalie a lot.  And,  my daughter and I had a wonderful visit.  I miss her and don't get to ever spend enough time with her.  The day we shopped for the plants, we picked plants together.  I always see other mothers and daughters out together and feel envious.  It was so nice for all of us to be together.  Every visit, I feel as if I know my daughter-in-law a little better, too. 

This is my first grandchild.  I had always heard how wonderful it is to have grandchildren, and thought to myself "yeah, yeah, yeah," but didn't have a clue what they were talking about.  It is a little bit of heaven on earth. 

As I sat and held her I listened to the rhythm of her breathing.  It might be slow and even, so soft you can barely hear it.  Or, it might be quick and short, a series of short pants.   I would watch her eyes open slightly, then close, her face scrunch up, a brief smile pass across her lips, her mouth form into an "o," and then her face would relax.  I never grew weary of watching her. 

On Sunday afternoon, my daughter said "you can just hold her until you leave if you want to."  I spent a lot of time in the nursery, rocking her.  



Rocking in her nursery.  I bought this chair for them.

I took two outfits out.  In this photo, she is wearing on of the outfits that I bought her.  We went shopping while I was out and I bought some things that they picked out.

On Monday, it got up to eighty one degrees and my daughter and I gardened and pulled out some over-grown bushes and put in about fifteen plants.  The beginnings of Natalie's garden.  I'll continue to work on it as long as they live there. 

Because of getting the bonus day with them, by Tuesday morning, I felt a little better about going home. 

I've had a few inquiries about my mother as I haven't posted for a while.  Mother was transferred to a different facility in my hometown, and she continues with her physical therapy with hopes of going home soon. 

When I got home last Tuesday evening, I couldn't get on to the Internet on my Dell laptop.  Last night was the first time I could access the Internet.  I think it was just too overloaded with junk.  I spent hours last night deleting needless photos, bought an external hard-drive for the photos I want to keep and did a total system back up with that.  Then I deleted all games and apps and junk on my facebook account.  I have heard that the games, etc. on facebook will slow down your system, but had not experienced that in the past. 

Dug is out of the country in Nicaragua with an old buddy of his.  The house has been quiet and I've been introspective.  I've been trying to find my heart, but I think I left it in Maryland.

Only one thing is missing

I am about to enter into a new relationship in my life.  My first grandchild.  There is a part of me that thinks I am "too young" to be a grandma, but another part of me that thinks it is about time!  Growing up I was fortunate to have three grandmas.  I had my paternal grandma that lived on a farm.  I had my maternal grandma (who was a lot like a mother to me) and I had a great-grandma, too that was my mother's grandma.  My mother was extremely young (17) when she had me, so that is part of the reason I was able to have my grandmas for a lot of my life.  I was always so close to each of them.  I have things in my home from their homes that I cherish.  Things that remind me of them.  I can't imagine a grandchild wanting to have my things around when I'm gone. 

My daughter's wife is carrying my daughter's egg.  My little grandbaby is a petri-dish baby.  We got to see baby pictures of the sperm donor and hear an interview.  He seems like an amazing person.  I had tears in my eyes as I listened to his voice.  The due date is March 17 but now the doctor says it may be sooner.  I have a plane ticket to go to see them at the end of the month.  I am so excited and yet there is a part of me that can't imagine how I will feel.  I know I am going to love this new little person very, very much.  It will be interesting to see my daughter become a parent and to see my son be an uncle.  We are all just beside ourselves with anticipation.  Every time my phone rings and it is my daughter I am saying "yes?  yes?" 

Here is a tour of the nursery. 

changing table

rug in front of changing table



glider rocker and ottoman. 
 I bought this for them and cannot wait to sit and rock my angel.



baby bed and friends. 
the plan is to take the little one's photo with the giraffe through the years.

 

diaper holder

I recently made this card and sent it.

"Grandma."  A new name.  A new role.  A new responsibility.  I know I will be over-the-moon excited and in love.  Only one thing is missing.  "C'mon little baby, Grandma can't wait!"

Preparing for our little one

Because I had a long weekend last weekend, I headed east to see my daughter and her wife.  I was welcomed to their home in style with a Georgetown Cupcake.  We had Georgetown cupcakes at the wedding reception.  They are my daughter's favorite.

perfect!

 I'm going to be a grandma in March.  While I was back east, we had a baby shower.  Our hostess is so clever.  Seems to me she thought of everything.  And this is a woman who has an extremely busy career and is mom to two daughters.  She is amazing.

entryway

diaper name tags

delicious!

lots of gifts

 My daughter's wife is carrying the baby.  Her sister hosted the shower and had these banners for the moms to be to wear...this is my daughter, below. 

a banner event

notes from guests

Grandma Cheryl

 Grandma Cheryl is a new title for me.  A new role.  I am more excited than I can possibly express.  When I visited in the fall, I got to hear the baby's heart beat.  That rates up there with one of the most miraculous, marvelous moments of my life.  My eyes filled with tears.
When we said our good-byes at the airport I said "the next time I see you the baby will be here!"  This new prospect has turned me into a marshmallow.  I previously thought that I was a tough old broad.  I'm happy to know I still have a tender heart.  It just took this new little life to remind me.  

out



 What does the word "out" make you think of?
Out of doors?
Out of milk, toilet paper, dog food? 
Out spoken?
Out burst?


There were a lot of years in my life when the word out could have meant any of the above definitions. 
Twelve years ago, the word "out" started to have a whole new meaning for me.


We had dinner that evening.
A real sit-down dinner.
Which was uncommon for us.  She had been troubled.  Her Dad and I had talked about it, trying to figure out what was wrong.  That night, after dinner, I asked her again what was wrong.  Finally she answered.
"There is something so wrong with me that people will hate me."


I looked at her beautiful, sixteen-year-old face.  So sweet. 
Who could hate you I said?  Why?
She looked at me and said
"I'm bi-sexual." 


I remember reading Ellen's mother's book years later and she described the very feelings I was experiencing at that moment.  All the things I thought I would have went flying away from me.  A son-in-law, grand-children, all of the girl things I had imagined for my daughter. 
I didn't know what to say.  I thought I was liberal, didn't think I was prejudice, but when these words pertained to my child, it felt different.  It made everything different.
I sat there, silent. 
"Say something"she said.
"I think I'm going to throw up?"  I said.


She was sixteen years old and she had just told me that she was gay and I said
"I think I'm going to throw-up."
I don't think I will ever get over saying that to her at that moment.   How awful. 
Even though I spoke honestly at that moment, I stuck beside her.  I think for the entire first year, I couldn't say out loud "my daughter is gay," without my voice breaking.  I learned to "test the waters" before telling certain people.  The town I was born in and grew up in is to this day, very straight and narrow.  It hurt me to think that someone might dismiss my daughter or define her based upon her sexual orientation.
 My daughter left that town her junior year of high school to attend a school where there were other students like her and she bloomed.  The school was diverse and filled with extremely intelligent students.  The class sizes were small and much the same as one experiences in college.  The students lived in dorms.  People asked me how I could let her leave home at such a young age and go off to school.  For her, it was a wonderful place to be.
There were other gay students.   One time at the school I met a young lady who stood, as if to honor me as she shook my hand.  She told me how my daughter had told her about me.  As we walked away, I asked my daughter what that was all about.
"When she came out, her parents dis-owned her."

I grew up in the Foursquare Pentecostal church.  There is a scripture that talks about how nothing will separate us from the love of God.

Romans 8:38-39  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Even before I had children, I always knew that was the way that I was going to love my children.

After high-school, she completed her undergrad at Indiana University in Bloomington (where I now live) which is the number one gay vacation destination.  Then she headed to the east coast to attend law school. 

She and her partner just got married in D.C. where gay marriage is legal.  My daughter's family stood on one side, her partner's family stood on the other side.  We all had a part in the wedding.  Promising to love and support this union.  The judge who presided was a beautiful African American woman.  She was beautiful inside and out.  When we thanked her for performing the ceremony, she told us that it was her honor and privilege and that she had fallen in love with these two women and the way they love one another.

While finishing my undergrad, I worked at Ball State.  I was mostly out at the university.  I felt that if I was open about my daughter being gay, it might help someone else.  Most of the students would react the same way... "that is cool that you are so cool about it."  But I couldn't be out with everyone because we hadn't told my parents yet.  I didn't want to tell them.  They are Pentecostals, too and I thought they would reject her.  My daughter came home to Indiana in August, a special trip, just to tell them. 
We sat in the living room and my daughter began...
"Whenever you would ask me if I had a boyfriend, and I would say I was studying, out of respect for Mom, that was kind of a lie.  I was studying, but I was often in a relationship, but with a woman."
My Dad is a little hard of hearing and leaned forward
"Did you say that you were in a relationship with a woman?"
"Yes, Grandpa."
Then she proceeded to tell them that she had fallen in love and was going to marry a woman.
Again, my dad leans forward
"Did you say you were going to marry a woman?"
"Yes, Grandpa."

So now it isn't a secret any longer.  I have a beautiful, intelligent, successful daughter and a new beautiful, intelligent, successful daughter-in-law.

I always joked that my daughter always wanted me to wave a flag and say
"Yay, yay, my daughter is gay!" 
This is me, being out.
I'm waving my flag for you, now.